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[personal profile] bearfairie
Not entirely sure what's going on with me right now but it's being a weird week. Not bad exactly, just free-floaty. My brain is in a million places so this (like many of my posts :) ) will probably be a bit on the free-association side.

I am very sore today - I had my first personal training session at the gym yesterday. Hey! I joined a gym! I'm feeling hilariously suburban, and a little bit like an alien masquerading as a human (I get that way sometimes, when I do stuff that feels too... I dunno... "normal"?). It's good stuff, it just feels bizarrely artificial. Exercise in a gym is a little like vitamins - "let's take this normal thing that's necessary for your health and isolate it and tuck it into a pill form so you can swallow it down in convenient doses". I take vitamins, I know that there's therapeutic reasons one should do so, especially in the face of specific health conditions or nutrient imbalances. But the gym feels kinda like that to me too. It's good, and feels important to improving my health, it's just odd.

Personal training! My trainer is adorable. He's a martial artist (I have a special love for martial artists - so many of the serious fighters I know are just so incredibly polite, gentle and humble, and my trainer is no exception) and he has a whole earnest thing about intuitive exercising - listening to your body to figure out what's the right level to train at, and staying current with what your body is telling you. Which is so up my alley I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing, hugging him or preaching along with him. But I totally overdid it - he's awesome, but he doesn't have much experience with fibromyalgia, and I haven't done this kind of exercise (weight training) in over 20 years, so I have no real sense of how much is too much. So today my arms are yelling at me a little, and all my joints kinda freaked out - yay for system wide pain scramble. I had an adjustment with my boss this morning which seems to have helped a lot; I'll just have to continue to figure out how to start small(er) and keep building (slowly).

It's been very spirity out lately. More so than usual. My padrino seems to think this is normal - after you make santo, your spirits steadily draw closer to you during your year. I didn't think it was *possible* for my spirits to be any closer, but I suppose it's different now that I have 3 Powers permanently installed in my head. Interestingly enough, I've been having a lot of dreams about Loki (and folks who hang out with Loki) lately. I've done a little bit of work with Him before (I'm Odin-sworn, it comes with the territory. Or should, IMHO, given Their relationship with one another). But He seems to be tiptoeing up in a sweet and friendly way. I'm... fascinated. When Loki first showed up around me, I was working primarily with Freyja, and Loki was creepy and stalker-ish, and I needed to get some spirit support in chasing Him off. Basically, He'd loiter around the edges of my property, saying "heeeeere kitty kitty kitty... heeeeere Freyja's kitty kitty kitty..." and generally emit the unsafe feeling vibes in my general direction. I was pretty freaked out at the time.

I ran into him a few times in Valhalla when I've done spirit work there, and we made our peace around when Odin and I first swore vows. Basically, Loki told me, "the old oaths between Odin and I still stand. If you are to honor Him, you have to respect Our oaths." So the deal was, if I raise a horn to Odin, I have to raise a horn to Loki too (or make sure one is raised). So if I'm at a blot where Loki can be honored, if He *is* honored by someone else in the Hall, we're good. If He can be honored and He hasn't been yet, I should do so. If He *can't* be honored by the rules of the Hall, I should honor Him before I enter (if I can) or silently in my heart as the horn is going around. I must admit, I haven't always been very consistent about upholding that honoring.

I haven't had any real contact with Loki since we made our agreement, until recently. [personal profile] lwood [personal profile] lwoodhad me added to the seekrit Loki clubhouse, and it's actually been really good to be part of those conversations. I am very amused to be part of a whole group of folks who feel like they have a similar humor aesthetic to me (yay for randomness and surreality), and who do a nice job of mixing Lore with personal gnosis/direct contact. I've been making friends with folks there, which is always a funny process for me in a way - I'm generally not a "make friends with folks online whom I've never met in person" kinda bear (with a very few, very notable exceptions, hi [personal profile] browngirl :) ).  But there's some neat folks,and the Gods keep dropping new friends into my lap. I'm actually really enjoying exploring this new alliance with Loki - He comes to me a little sideways bearing gifts ("look! another new friend! doot de doot de doot... I didn't do it... la de da..."). I'm enjoying this version of Him - He's sweet, goofy, friendly, silly and kind. I'm looking forward to continuing to get to know this aspect of Him.

Lessee... work is continuing to be, well, work. Stupidity involving our new inventory system has driven me up a wall, so we're temporarily scrapping it all together. So I get to go back to the old way of taking care of inventory - printing up a 6 page excel spread sheet and hand counting every bottle to see what we need to order. *sigh* .  

Mostly I've been in a misty-mystic kinda way this week. Lots of incredible moments of bliss, randomly scattered through my day. Like all of a sudden I see beneath the surface and am just swept up, unmade, remade by the beauty of creation. I've been listening to a lot of  adorable modern Chassidic music lately - mostly Matisyahu and Ta-Shma. I adore Matisyahu. He sings from this deeply familiar ecstatic Jewish perspective, that is flavors of what I grew up with. And even though there is so much about Chassidic Judaism that will never ever work for me, in some ways it feels like my first mysticism - it's where I learned mysticism from when I was a kid. So the metaphors and stories woven into the way he expresses his deepest love towards God is in a language deeply familiar, and deeply comfortable to me. I love it.  

"I said, You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes, I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty

Without you there's no me, you're the air that I breathe
Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said, I believe

What's this feeling? My love will rip a hole through the ceiling
I give myself to you from the essence of my being
An' I sing to my God, these songs of love an' healing
I want Mashiach now, so it's time we start revealing" 

LOVE. So much love. He sings directly to God in many of his songs, like this one.  He has another song where he sings "Fear nobody but his Majesty, my spirit, you'll be deep, for You I wait silently, it seems that You believe in me." I love that deep personal connection, that unshakeable belief that God is paying attention, loves *me*. I feel that way about my Powers, that certainty of personal connection, that they love *me*, for *me*, not just b/c I'm one of the sea of passing humanity. It seems that You believe in me. My faith is really strong, and carries me through my life. I sometimes fall down on whether or not I *trust* that my Powers love me, care what happens, whether or not I trust that They have my best interest at heart. And that's the bit I'm working on. So songs that mirror back what that flavor of faith can taste like are being useful, especially when they're sung steeped in my own cultural heritage.

So that's me. I should finish up and get out of here now. another long-ass day putting out fires and cleaning up messes, and now it's 7 pm and I'm going home.  [personal profile] browngirl


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December 2012

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